For today's post I'm going to write what happened to me today as if it's a narration from a story... But just remember that every word is true... right down to the smallest detail... the setting starts at mid-day before progressing to night...
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I got off the MRT at Woodlands around 12noon, I wasn't bothered by the fact that I was several hours early. Instead, I reveled in the freedom I had outside home... I spent my morning doing some chores and generally had a dull time. So I was happy to be out of my house before I was assigned to do more tasks...
I hung around Causeway Point looking for stuff like Ulquiorra's sword that Sam wanted, and I did find it at Comics Connection. But it was in horrible condition, some parts of the blade was chipped off and it looked more reminiscent to Kenpachi's sword if it wasn't for the hilt. I wasted more time before receiving a sms and then I made my way to the library.
In the library, I found a seat and immediately started to work on my IJC Chemistry Prelim practice paper. I finished the paper and winded up brain-dead, but it's normal for revision, so no harm done... I attempted to get some Management of Business revision done, but tired as I was, I did what every good A level student would do in my position.
I fell asleep.
After I woke up, my memory was a little fuzzy from here on... somehow I took a bus and ended up in Sengkang... which was a stroke of luck for me. I did not know why, but somehow, all the troubles I have, all the pain I've faced these past few weeks started to pour out of me.
I found a deserted void deck and just sat in a corner... in a place where I knew no one and no one knew me... struggling to keep my feelings in check. But just like a dam which was overflowing, the struggles of my heart broke free... and I gave in to my emotions.
First, the tears came... slow at the beginning, I tried to fight against it... stubbornly unwilling to break down... but once the initial drops fell... I knew the battle was lost...
From that first tear... more came out... each representing my pain and sorrow... before long, they started to flow freely...
I wish I knew what I was crying about, but at that time... all my pain, suffering, despair, loneliness, longing, broken dreams, dashed hopes, shattered heart, solitary, torment, anger, hate, unforgiveness, love, feelings of betrayal... they all just melded together into a whirlpool of raw emotion... there were no coherent thoughts... just a world of hurt of my own making...
I cried... I cried like I have never done in the past 10 weeks... sobbing and weeping till I was reduced to a pathetic remnant of my former self... I became locked in my own imaginary world of torture... where nothing existed but myself and my torment... I don't know if I was the master of that world or a slave to the suffering... all I knew was that there was no escape... I gave myself to the maelstrom of my emotions completely... I lost all sense of myself and I think I blacked out... still crying...
The thing about giving your emotions free rein is that it behaves like poison... it feeds on your strength, devouring your heart and mind till you're an empty husk of yourself... leaving you broken and defeated... eaten alive by your own negative feelings...
It was a long time before I came back to my senses... when I came to, I found myself lying on the floor in a wreck, I looked at my watch, 6.30pm... I had been down for a little over an hour...
I thought I should get something to eat... but after awhile I realised how pointless that was... I just gave in to the hurt again... I wanted to die... I don't want to feel so alone anymore... I want to be loved... I just want to be loved... is that too much to ask for?
By the time I recovered and pulled myself together, it was around 9.30pm... I took a bus home... and now here I am blogging so you people can see the pathetic state I am in... go ahead, laugh! Even I find my own situation pitifully funny...
You guys think that "Oh it's normal la... Ming Yu is like that one... emo wad..." You cannot be more wrong... I admit, I'm emo. But that doesn't mean I cry at every little thing... That doesn't mean I make it a habit to have emotional breakdowns for no reason.
I've thought that I'll only cry for 2 people...
The first being God who loves me, Whom I've let down so many times, but still loves me just the same...
And the next being the girl whom I would come to love... more than my own happiness and more than my very life... who would eventually be my wife...
But today taught me something new... there's a third person I'll shed tears for... You may think it's selfish or ridiculous... but for the first time today... I cried for myself... for all that I've been through alone... for all the emptiness I have in my heart... I cried for myself...
The idiot who said that crying and letting out your emotions would make you feel better didn't know what he was talking about... I have never felt worse in my life... I have never come so close to ending my life than I have done today...
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That's a chapter of my life... I won't be coming online for awhile now... but I'll still be appearing offline on msn... if any of you want to chat with me just send me an offline message... who knows? I might just reply...
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
10:13 PM
