Friday, June 12, 2009
I'm back to posting again... and I think I'm ready to crawl out from under my rock and start going online again...
The past week was like jumping off a plane, it kept going down down down... but today I did some proper reflection and realised that I'm just running away from my problems... and that the issues that I'm facing have to be accepted within my heart.
Because even though I've done the "correct" actions and steps to handle my issues, they count for nothing unless I can accept them whole-heartedly. I've been living in a state of denial.
I've more or less come to acknowledge my struggles and understand that no matter what the future may hold, I've done my best and the way I reacted to my circumstances were the most appropriate way to deal with them at that point of time.
Given the same situation I would have done the same thing... In this way I have done no wrong to others, but I've done some unforgivable things to myself in my despair...
Most importantly now, I feel the need to apologise to some people...
First and foremost, Samuel. I know you were worried about me and tried to ask questions to better understand my situation yesterday... I'm sorry I snapped at you and it's wrong of me to take out (at least some) of my frustration on you... But it's true that you're related to some of my negativity, but it's not your fault, just somethings I need to come to accept on my own. I'm sorry... please forgive me bro...
Secondly, Bryan. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you when you broke up with your girl. I was "indisposed" on that day(read previous post). I know that I should have been there to lend you my shoulder or at least a listening ear, but I was too preoccupied with myself that I neglected giving you my support... I ask for your forgiveness... but like before, I'll be here if you need me... (I hope it's not too late)
Lastly but no less importantly, Stephanie. I know I promised you that I won't cut myself anymore right? Technically I didn't cut myself, but yesterday during the NS medical check-up I was actually looking forward to the part where they had to draw blood from me. And I was frankly disappointed that the syringe and needle wasn't as thick as I was led to believe. But I know that the point is I shouldn't have relished the pain it gave me. (I even asked Sam if he can transfer his pain to me). No matter the case, I feel apologetic for my "sicko" feelings.
And so in this past week, I've felt myself change to another person... someone that I hated and I honestly don't blame anybody who felt resentment towards me... because I would resent myself too in your position.
I realised that the most important thing for my life now is to move on I guess(I could be wrong), instead of looking at things that won't change and feeling sorry for myself... I think I'm becoming love-sick(as in getting sick-of-love)... Sigh... Whatever...
My reflection can be summed up by the following quote.
Quote by Asakura Yoh: "It's scary to lose yourself. You don't know what you should and shouldn't do. And so, I won't lose myself again"
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
10:16 PM
