Friday, June 26, 2009
I'm an idiot, moron, fool, onnozel, dom, flauw, simpel, dum, tyhmä, couenne, crétin, sot, balourd, stupido, idiotico, balordo, noroi, honoka, futsutsuka, oroka, baka, aho, plumbeus, bardus, bobo, idiota, zote, baichi, bendan.
I just said that I'm an idiot in as many languages as I can.
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
2:18 PM
Thursday, June 25, 2009
My poem. My reflection. My stand.
Title: "Freedom of Choice"
The freedom to choose,
The very gift of God.
In our search for it,
We take flight.
In our flight we encounter.
From jealous ambitions,
To selfless sacrifice.
We forget our reasons.
Battered by the winds
Beat down by the rain.
We believe we have no choice,
We become self-serving monsters.
So what is this freedom to choose?
I tell you the truth my friend,
It's the freedom to be righteous,
Even when no one else will.
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Is the last part of the 1st stanza familiar? Hahas... it's a variation from the 2nd verse of "Loveless"(Crisis Core fans should know of what I mean, that book Genesis keeps quoting from)
I'm not looking back anymore... there's no point seeking to change the past especially since I have the present to be concerned about now.
I want to be free, and never forget my path. No matter how much darkness blinds me or how many mountains block me, I'll try not to stray again. Because I know how much it hurts to do otherwise...
"As long as I have the means to help you, I promise to do all that's within my power to do so." To the four people I made this promise to(you know who you are even if the others don't), just remember that you have with you the ability to make me leave or vary this path I've decided on. I don't make empty promises, and so please don't abuse it... I won't let you guys down... (just something I needed to clarify)
Labels: poems, random stuff
Signing off at...
9:05 PM
Monday, June 22, 2009
It's back to normal as normal gets
Phew! After 1 month of emoing I think I've finally reached a state of equilibrium^^ hahas...
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I guess things are back to normal... there's seriously not much point looking back constantly to the past, after all... I live in the present right?^^
Hahas... Well today I went to school for some Chem review thingy... basically we went through the mock exam papers we did last week... as expected, I did horribly, but at least I improved from the common test ba... sianz... dunno if prelims can survive anot T_T
That's more or less it for my post... many things happened the past few days, but I wanna forget them... now I'm looking forward!
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
11:07 PM
Monday, June 15, 2009
Please bear with me abit longer... I know my last few posts were not exactly your "typical" kind of blog posts... I'm still in the process of organising my mind(it's in a complete mess)... and now this post will(hopefully) tie up all my loose ends.
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My life has been through several unexpected twists and turns this year...
Let me get something straight, I am very well aware of my faults, I am a selfish/arrogant/emo/self-centered jerk... it took me a long time to a final decision... which has changed my life in ways I am only beginning to realise... I suffered a lot because of it...
Making that decision, which is the polar opposite of my character(look at my faults), have made me destroy the very fundamental beliefs in which I had based my personality on... it went against everything I had built for myself... Why? You ask? even my very self... my life... my time... my all...
But there was some good things which came out of it for myself... During that crisis period, I talked to Bernice a lot... she gave me support and a friendly voice to talk to... without which I'll probably still be lost... because of that she has become a very important friend to me... thank you for your time and kindness Snoopy^^
And there's Samuel who helped me through my post-crisis period, simply by spending time with me like going out weekly for expensive food, or sharing our problems with each other... these helped me forget my own problems temporarily...
Ok, I know that it's just another way of saying that I'm running away from my problems. But I'd rather run away and keep my sanity than to face them prematurely and end up in an asylum(get my drift?)
Thanks Sammy bro... Don't lose confidence in yourself... You're a good person and you have been a really great friend, I don't hold anything against you so don't brood over it ok?
Finally there's Julian who helped me look at things in perspective... helped me decide what is most important to me now... helped me determine how I should start living my life again... though the path we have charted out for me is difficult... I'm trying to walk it now... Thanks man... talking to you always help me clear my thoughts...
Though I discovered several people who actually care about me... nothing can really reduce the anguish I've been feeling... it only makes things more or less bearable...
For now... I'll live for others more than for myself... as long as they are happy so will I... that's what I decided... but... it's hard... it's really hard...
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
11:32 PM
Friday, June 12, 2009
I'm back to posting again... and I think I'm ready to crawl out from under my rock and start going online again...
The past week was like jumping off a plane, it kept going down down down... but today I did some proper reflection and realised that I'm just running away from my problems... and that the issues that I'm facing have to be accepted within my heart.
Because even though I've done the "correct" actions and steps to handle my issues, they count for nothing unless I can accept them whole-heartedly. I've been living in a state of denial.
I've more or less come to acknowledge my struggles and understand that no matter what the future may hold, I've done my best and the way I reacted to my circumstances were the most appropriate way to deal with them at that point of time.
Given the same situation I would have done the same thing... In this way I have done no wrong to others, but I've done some unforgivable things to myself in my despair...
Most importantly now, I feel the need to apologise to some people...
First and foremost, Samuel. I know you were worried about me and tried to ask questions to better understand my situation yesterday... I'm sorry I snapped at you and it's wrong of me to take out (at least some) of my frustration on you... But it's true that you're related to some of my negativity, but it's not your fault, just somethings I need to come to accept on my own. I'm sorry... please forgive me bro...
Secondly, Bryan. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you when you broke up with your girl. I was "indisposed" on that day(read previous post). I know that I should have been there to lend you my shoulder or at least a listening ear, but I was too preoccupied with myself that I neglected giving you my support... I ask for your forgiveness... but like before, I'll be here if you need me... (I hope it's not too late)
Lastly but no less importantly, Stephanie. I know I promised you that I won't cut myself anymore right? Technically I didn't cut myself, but yesterday during the NS medical check-up I was actually looking forward to the part where they had to draw blood from me. And I was frankly disappointed that the syringe and needle wasn't as thick as I was led to believe. But I know that the point is I shouldn't have relished the pain it gave me. (I even asked Sam if he can transfer his pain to me). No matter the case, I feel apologetic for my "sicko" feelings.
And so in this past week, I've felt myself change to another person... someone that I hated and I honestly don't blame anybody who felt resentment towards me... because I would resent myself too in your position.
I realised that the most important thing for my life now is to move on I guess(I could be wrong), instead of looking at things that won't change and feeling sorry for myself... I think I'm becoming love-sick(as in getting sick-of-love)... Sigh... Whatever...
My reflection can be summed up by the following quote.
Quote by Asakura Yoh: "It's scary to lose yourself. You don't know what you should and shouldn't do. And so, I won't lose myself again"
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
10:16 PM
Friday, June 5, 2009
For today's post I'm going to write what happened to me today as if it's a narration from a story... But just remember that every word is true... right down to the smallest detail... the setting starts at mid-day before progressing to night...
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I got off the MRT at Woodlands around 12noon, I wasn't bothered by the fact that I was several hours early. Instead, I reveled in the freedom I had outside home... I spent my morning doing some chores and generally had a dull time. So I was happy to be out of my house before I was assigned to do more tasks...
I hung around Causeway Point looking for stuff like Ulquiorra's sword that Sam wanted, and I did find it at Comics Connection. But it was in horrible condition, some parts of the blade was chipped off and it looked more reminiscent to Kenpachi's sword if it wasn't for the hilt. I wasted more time before receiving a sms and then I made my way to the library.
In the library, I found a seat and immediately started to work on my IJC Chemistry Prelim practice paper. I finished the paper and winded up brain-dead, but it's normal for revision, so no harm done... I attempted to get some Management of Business revision done, but tired as I was, I did what every good A level student would do in my position.
I fell asleep.
After I woke up, my memory was a little fuzzy from here on... somehow I took a bus and ended up in Sengkang... which was a stroke of luck for me. I did not know why, but somehow, all the troubles I have, all the pain I've faced these past few weeks started to pour out of me.
I found a deserted void deck and just sat in a corner... in a place where I knew no one and no one knew me... struggling to keep my feelings in check. But just like a dam which was overflowing, the struggles of my heart broke free... and I gave in to my emotions.
First, the tears came... slow at the beginning, I tried to fight against it... stubbornly unwilling to break down... but once the initial drops fell... I knew the battle was lost...
From that first tear... more came out... each representing my pain and sorrow... before long, they started to flow freely...
I wish I knew what I was crying about, but at that time... all my pain, suffering, despair, loneliness, longing, broken dreams, dashed hopes, shattered heart, solitary, torment, anger, hate, unforgiveness, love, feelings of betrayal... they all just melded together into a whirlpool of raw emotion... there were no coherent thoughts... just a world of hurt of my own making...
I cried... I cried like I have never done in the past 10 weeks... sobbing and weeping till I was reduced to a pathetic remnant of my former self... I became locked in my own imaginary world of torture... where nothing existed but myself and my torment... I don't know if I was the master of that world or a slave to the suffering... all I knew was that there was no escape... I gave myself to the maelstrom of my emotions completely... I lost all sense of myself and I think I blacked out... still crying...
The thing about giving your emotions free rein is that it behaves like poison... it feeds on your strength, devouring your heart and mind till you're an empty husk of yourself... leaving you broken and defeated... eaten alive by your own negative feelings...
It was a long time before I came back to my senses... when I came to, I found myself lying on the floor in a wreck, I looked at my watch, 6.30pm... I had been down for a little over an hour...
I thought I should get something to eat... but after awhile I realised how pointless that was... I just gave in to the hurt again... I wanted to die... I don't want to feel so alone anymore... I want to be loved... I just want to be loved... is that too much to ask for?
By the time I recovered and pulled myself together, it was around 9.30pm... I took a bus home... and now here I am blogging so you people can see the pathetic state I am in... go ahead, laugh! Even I find my own situation pitifully funny...
You guys think that "Oh it's normal la... Ming Yu is like that one... emo wad..." You cannot be more wrong... I admit, I'm emo. But that doesn't mean I cry at every little thing... That doesn't mean I make it a habit to have emotional breakdowns for no reason.
I've thought that I'll only cry for 2 people...
The first being God who loves me, Whom I've let down so many times, but still loves me just the same...
And the next being the girl whom I would come to love... more than my own happiness and more than my very life... who would eventually be my wife...
But today taught me something new... there's a third person I'll shed tears for... You may think it's selfish or ridiculous... but for the first time today... I cried for myself... for all that I've been through alone... for all the emptiness I have in my heart... I cried for myself...
The idiot who said that crying and letting out your emotions would make you feel better didn't know what he was talking about... I have never felt worse in my life... I have never come so close to ending my life than I have done today...
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That's a chapter of my life... I won't be coming online for awhile now... but I'll still be appearing offline on msn... if any of you want to chat with me just send me an offline message... who knows? I might just reply...
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
10:13 PM
Still emoing a lot... I would not really be coming online for awhile... just hope matters can be settled as soon as possible...
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On Wednesday I went to meet up with YQ(not Yong Quan, just another person with the same initials)we talked and trashed out a lot of misunderstandings that we had... in the end those misunderstandings remained but with greater intensity.
I bleached my hair white(invited some criticism, "Christmas-hair"? O_o) and went out with Sammy and Snoopy, had dinner at fish and co. (the fish was so "fresh" that it attempted to "jump" out of my stomach). For reasons I'm not going to share... dinner was quite a sad event for me... my mind kept wandering to depressing subjects... that's why I was so quiet...
Sammy looked like he was suffering a lot because of his ulcers, very worried about him and at the same time pity him a lot(because nothing's worse to a food lover than not being able to eat). We both went around shopping with Snoopy after dinner for her bday presents.
Don't really know how it came about... but we somehow became Chinese-speaking/low-paid/no-sunglasses/handphone-watching bodyguards... hahas... had a lot of fun... even had Sammy over my house later on to watch ACC lol... watched till quite late but still managed to make it in time for the last train home. (OMNISLASH V.6 FTW!!!!)
Had maths on Thursday, after that I wanted to ask Sam to help me buy my poliwag plushie as I thought he was going to east-coast. Turns out his ulcers made the decision for him not to go... so what's a guy with 5hours of free time to do? I went to his house to hang out^^
Watched a movie and played some games... I played a few matches of chinese chess and lost them all... zzz... after that no motivation to play. Played dai dee also... at least this game I won a few times (okok, to be fair I cheated a lot also, Sam just didn't realise^^ now he does hahas)
I left his house at around 5.20pm... Sammy was a good host, he sent me off the LRT... then I made my way to church for Radical Conference 2009... hahas... we invited a guest speaker and his church band from Sydney to preach and lead the worship respectively^^ was really cool(the band) and sobering(the sermon). I learnt more about the Heart of Worship, really hope I can apply it to my life...
I got home around 10pm... had a bath and tried to sleep... didn't have the motivation to go online... managed to fall asleep at around 5am... sigh... if this keeps up... I'll be dead by the end of the year...
PS. I gained 2kg so far, finally caught up.
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
10:25 AM
Monday, June 1, 2009
Have not been posting for awhile... been thinking a lot about my life...
Where is it taking me?
What will I become?
If I die today, who will my death impact if any at all?
What's the point of my existence?
Why does even the simple contentment of a quiet night elude me?
Who or what do I live for?
Why is it that my every waking moment filled with pain and hurt?
And yet I feel nothing from torturing myself?
Is everything I do meaningless?
Why do people keep looking for me to find trouble?
More than that... why doesn't anyone stand up for me when I need help although I've done so so many times for them? Why have you all abandoned me?
I've come up with this conclusion of irony "The helper assists all... But who aids the helper?"
Still... I'm not so arrogant as to claim that no one offered me concern... Thanks Sam... You're the only one who was vaguely aware of my mental state... Even if the advise you give made me feel worse off than before... I know you meant well... That is good enough for me^^
Everyday it feels like I'm going to die... Or rather, I'm definitely going to die the next time...
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
10:35 PM
