Sunday, January 31, 2010
Title: I Will Find You
You were afraid that you would disappear,
That you would be lost and forgotten.
I held you tight against the dark,
And said that I would always come for you.
Then one day it happened,
You were torn from my arms and vanished.
Maybe you don’t remember my promise,
But I meant every word.
I hope you’re not afraid wherever you are,
You don’t need to be.
I’m not.
I will find you.
Labels: poems
Signing off at...
5:12 PM
Thursday, January 28, 2010
You would often hear "running away is bad" wouldn't you? That's fine. I have already ran away from so much.
Do I regret it? Clearly.
My heart was always out of it. That's why I ran away back then. No matter how many years have passed, I still remember it.
But because there are regrets, we work towards preventing future ones. I worked hard to forget that feeling. That's why it's good to run away sometimes. You can shape up strength. And with that you could be more complete as a person.
To tell you the truth... I worry too much about what others think of me. I hate that side of me... That's why I didn't want anyone to get to know me. I wanted to hide that side of myself. I hate it.
"Anderson is an unfriendly, introverted guy." It made it easy for me when people perceived me that way.
That's a secret between you and me. Got that?
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We may seem unfortunate to others and carry a deep wound in our hearts, but where we stand now isn't that bad at all, is it?
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
12:13 AM
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Title: Realization
Someone once declared…
That he was scared of making promises,
He felt that his words were like chains,
Burdens which were binding and permanent.
But doesn’t it feel satisfying?
When you can faithfully carry out those oaths?
He also said…
That he dreads the future,
To him the future is like a whirlpool,
Confusing and yet undeniable.
But isn’t it exciting?
Molding a destiny of your choosing?
That guy told me…
That he was afraid of falling in love,
Letting his heart be in the hands of another,
The potential of hurt too much to handle.
But it must feel great right?
Being set free from all the suffering of life?
I was and am that person,
But now I will fear no longer.
Labels: poems
Signing off at...
1:49 AM
Friday, January 22, 2010
Hahas... it has indeed been a busy week filled with tiredness, fun, peace, silence, noise, tension, and sad good-byes...
Going to NS in 2 weeks time really makes me think a lot on what has happened so far in my life... With the dawning of a new lifestyle, my life till now feels so short, and at the same time trying. The feelings of loneliness and companionship, peace and despair, inspiration and disappointment, all made me who I am today. Though I may not be perfect, though I'm still a pessimist to an extent, I'm glad that this is how I turned out.
If I could turn back time and live my life all over again, being faced with the same choices and decisions, I would surely have made them. I guess this is what it means to live life free of regrets. Making lifetime friends(and enemies), falling in(and out of) love, just being alive. All these have impacted me so much, and yet, I don’t want to lose to despair. The fact that I’m here now as myself fills me with pride – I’m proud of it all!
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You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
12:45 AM
Monday, January 18, 2010
Gonna have a long week this week. Hahas... hope my wallet can survive zzz...
Monday- Meeting Stephanie for a movie, most likely we're watching "The Spy Next Door"
Tuesday- Looking up Ian at the Singapore River in the morning, just to enjoy the silence and scenery, and later meeting Yu Yan for dinner, she got her 1st paycheck and wanted to treat me before I go into NS.
Wednesday- (Possibly) meeting Kong Sheng for lunch and in the evening I'll be part of the group filming the video for a certain someones birthday.
Thursday- Going out with my brother to buy his new headphones as well as going to my grandma's birthday party organised by all the grandchildren hahas...
Friday- Nothing yet... maybe I'll go out and enjoy the silent night...
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Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
3:25 PM
Friday, January 15, 2010
Title: To me
To me,
She's like the sun.
She's always honest to her feelings.
She's like a bright, shining light.
I want to see what that ray of light will bring in the end.
Together with her.
To me,
I'm like the night.
I'm always hiding my feelings.
I'm like a dark, concealing shroud.
I want to see what that shroud will be pierced by in the end.
Alone by myself.
To me,
We're like the twilit sky.
We're always confused over our feelings.
We're like an ancient, faded mirror.
I want to see what that mirror will reflect in the end.
With everyone else.
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This poem is inspired by Pandora Hearts. One of the characters said something similar to the first stanza, the moment I heard it I thought to myself,"That's so beautiful!" and after I let my imagination run a little I made this poem. Hahas...
Labels: poems
Signing off at...
12:11 AM
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Discussion: Circles of Control
As a guy I face pressures in life that I cannot escape from, such as being a defender of the people close to me, or going to NS, or being a good role model for my younger brother. Some things I cannot escape from and even if I feel unprepared to face it, it is beyond my control.
Pressures are always placed upon us no matter where we go or how old we get in life. To the extent that we sometimes feel that we just can't take any more and start to break down. There are always many things beyond our control, it is simply a fact of life.
Let's take a look at some of the things I struggle with as a guy:
Some things are really messed up, such as the weather and NS. Some troublesome, such as studies. And some daunting, such as being a breadwinner. But as if that's not enough, as a Christian I face pressures as a result of my faith that are outside my circle of control as well:
So just what am I supposed to do? If my life is so confined by what I can't control and since nearly everything is not under my power to decide anyway... Why don't I just drift through life? It's not like my choices can make a difference anyway...
WRONG!
If people start thinking in this way, it means that they have started to confine themselves and bind their free will with self-made chains. We have to admit that there are things that we cannot control, and those things can't be helped. But never forget that we always have our choices. Instead of focusing on the things we cannot control. We should pay more attention on the things we can.
We can control the way we think. Something which separates humans from animals is the ability to think and reason beyond emotion. Instead of reacting to the situations in life with hostility, apprehension or, indeed, reacting at all, we should instead be directing the course of our lives.
I know it's a little deep, let me give an analogy: You slapped a person. If that person is someone who reacts, he/she would probably slap you back, or cry, or get angry. But if that person is someone who directs, then he/she would consider the implications of reacting, such as the consequences, or the sequence of events leading up to the slap, maybe you had a valid reason for slapping him/her, maybe reacting based on emotion would destroy what relationship the both of you have left. Bearing this in mind, that person would choose to direct their emotions and effort to try to settle the issue in the best way possible, refusing to give in to their base emotions.
The Bible says that,"He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered."(Proverbs 28:26) The world tells us to "Follow your heart!" or "Trust in your feelings!". And just because it sounds noble and romantic many people do choose to follow it. The problem is that following your heart usually means chasing after whatever feels right at the moment whether or not it's actually right. It means throwing caution and conscience to the wind and pursuing your latest desires and whims regardless of what good logic and counsel are saying.
Following this line of thought, to decide to put more weight in what your heart as compared to your head is foolish. Emotions often tell us what we truly desire at the moment, and they can be a useful guide for good decisions. But they must first be tempered by experience and, whenever the chance arises, time to use our brains to analyse and think things through in their entirety.
We are not animals that live our lives based on instinct and emotion alone. We are humans that have the ability to direct the course of our lives. We may make good decisions and just as often make bad ones, but no matter what our choices are, we are the ones who decide it, and those decisions are what's within our circle of control.
We may not be able to control what happens to us, but we can control our attitude towards it. And to a greater extent, we always can alter things that are even outside our circle of control.
Take family for example, we may not be able to control what kind of family we're born into, but we can control the way we build our relationship with our family.
Another example would be the weather, we can't control when it rains or shines, but we can control whether or not we'll get wet or stay dry by choosing to bring an umbrella out.
We can't control everything, but we can influence it in some way or another. The key is to have the right attitude to deal with the things we can control, instead of brooding on the things we can't. Also, attitude comes from conscious knowledge which comes from the mind, not the heart.
The heart can teach us many things, but it cannot and should not teach us how to live our lives. The only exception to this is when your heart finds something bigger than itself, something worth dying for. That's when the heart can pursue it with all it's determination and hope.
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Change your thoughts and you change your world.
Labels: Discussion, random stuff
Signing off at...
2:03 AM
Monday, January 11, 2010
Title: A Loving Heart
My heart will no longer be straying
Now I live life aligned to calling
Storms will surely come void of warning
Leaving me behind twisted burning
Friends will speak to me concerning
All my world to ashes turning
Even with endless suffering
Let my lips cry out in blessing
I lean not on my own understanding
But put trust the Lord’s higher planning
Let my mind be transformed by renewing
Never again to this world conforming
My light against the darkness glowing
A beacon to all the lost despairing
Though my passing life may be fleeting
It doesn’t make it less worth living
Every new day I will be praying
That my weak heart can keep on loving
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Wow... I think this is the 1st time I wrote a poem that actually rhymes. Hahas... just a little thought I had when I wrote it...
Poems to me are just my way of illustrating and venting my emotions... some people have gaming, some sports, some work, some cut themselves, some cry, some rage... I have poems hahas...
I was thinking of my world going up in flames and everything burning to ashes. General suffering and torment hounding me every waking moment and nightmares intrude my mind in slumber. But I chose to continue living righteously and happily. And to do that is to simply love life. No matter what storms come my way, this is the only life I have, and I refuse to give in to despair and waste away the sands of time in my life especially on things I have no control over.
I think I'll give a little discussion on the circles of control we have in our life in the next post... it's gonna be good... because it's something I need to hear as well hahas... I'll give a little preview:
As a guy I face pressures in life that I cannot escape from, such as being a defender of the people close to me, or going to NS, or being a good role model for my younger brother. Some things I cannot escape from and even if I feel unprepared to face it, it is beyond my control.
So what the heck am I supposed to do?
Hahas... I'll continue in the next post.
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Scars indicate where we've been. They don't dictate where we're going.
Labels: poems, random stuff
Signing off at...
5:13 PM
Friday, January 8, 2010
I've been more or less spending my holidays having an anime marathon^^ hahas... So far I finished a lot of old anime that have been long since finished its season run. Let me give a list:
1)Zero no Tsukaima
2)Zero no Tsukaima: Futatsuki no Kishi
3)Zero no Tsukaima: Princess no Rondo
4)Toaru Majutsu no Index
5)Star Ocean EX
6)The Sacred Blacksmith
7)Seitokai no Ichizon
8)Kiba
9)Kemono no Souja Erin
10)Demonbane
Yup that is the list of anime I've finished during the holidays. As for anime I'm following:
1)Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood
2)Fairy Tail
3)Toaru Kagaku no Railgun
4)Naruto
5)Bleach
6)Katekyoushi Hitman Reborn!
7)Yu-Gi-Oh! 5ds
8)One Piece
Hmm... I guess that's all ba... On the anime series I've finished watching... I'll give a brief review on the more memorable ones^^ hahas:
1)Zero no Tsukaima
2)Zero no Tsukaima: Futatsuki no Kishi
3)Zero no Tsukaima: Princess no Rondo
These 3 are 3 seasons of the same series. The setting is in another world where social classes are determined by ability in magic. People capable of using magic are called "nobles" while non-magic users are called "commoners".
The story takes place in this magical academy where the second year students are going through a ceremony to summon their familiars(AKA guardian beast). The main heroine, Louise, being a noble yet crappy in magic summoned hers. Enter Saito, a teenage boy going home from a computer store in Tokyo, where he sees a weird portal thing in the middle of the street. He touches it and gets teleported to Louise's world as her familiar.
Louise, who was hoping for something more impressive(like a dragon, griffin, kraken, etc.) became really embarrassed. Since she was already deemed a "failure" as a mage by her classmates, this only solidified that thinking. She turns her negative feelings on to Saito and treats him like a slave. Making him do the laundry, not letting him eat, general slave stuff, she even has a whip to top it all off.
As the series progresses, they fall in love (O_o I was surprised at this development too). And yet each is too embarrassed to admit it to each other(which gives rise to really cute situations hahas).
I cried at the end of the second season, because Saito sacrificed his life to protect Louise. The whole thing played out really nicely, and though I knew it was coming(thanks to wikipedia), I still can't help but cry at that development. Overall a really nice series^^
5)Star Ocean EX
I was playing Star Ocean: Second Evolution on my PSP. When I realised that there was an anime adaption of the game. So what is a gamer fan-boy to do? I did what every self-respecting nerd would do in my place. Torrent it^^
It was really really really old. And that made it hard to find. The voices were terrible(every girl sounds either too high pitched or seductive for no reason and every guy sounds like they're going through puberty). But passion for the game(and the urge to see what each characters' special attack look like in the anime) sustained me.
Like nearly every anime which is a game adaption(ie. Brave Story, Clannad, etc.).It features a "scammer" ending. For more details on what a "scammer" ending is, watch Shaman King or Flame of Recca.
9)Kemono no Souja Erin
Now this is a good anime. It's about this girl called Erin who loves animals and one day hopes to be an animal doctor like her mother.
It takes place in a fantasy setting. Not going to say much here... Just that it's a really good anime on Erin growing up and learning the meaning of life and standing firm to her beliefs. Really touching, heartwarming and yet sad at the same time... hahas...
Ooooook I guess I'm done here... hahas...
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Living a strong life means being able to smile no matter the circumstance.
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
10:47 PM
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Title: Ambiguous Dream
I once had a small dream,
I dreamt that I was surrounded by people,
They loved me sincerely without agenda,
And I loved them back without reservation.
When I awoke the dream still felt vivid,
It filled me with longing and hope,
But the sobering reality of life hit me,
And I drowned in the nightmare of living.
As the days come and go,
Distress kept building up,
And only time passes by,
Leaving behind a lone voice of this dream.
I have always kept it in my heart,
Using it as a source of inner strength.
Whenever things seem hopeless,
It gives me the push I needed to go on.
It was just a small dream,
Too ambiguous to call a goal.
It nevertheless was the dream,
That saw me through my battles in life.
Labels: poems
Signing off at...
10:34 AM
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
I haven't cried in a long long time,
But I did so last night.
It caught me by surprise as well,
I didn't expect to succumb to my emotions this easily.
I thought that I had mastered my heart,
It turns out not to be the case.
It hurt much deeper than I had expected,
Perhaps it was due to too much hope?
But somewhere deep down inside my heart,
I had already given up a long time ago.
I was just being too stubborn I suppose,
Holding on when I should have let go.
But even after everything is said and done,
This is just part and parcel of life.
A long time ago I learnt that:
Despair can only be achieved after consistent and prolonged disappointment.
I reckon that I should just move on,
It's funny how that has been happening to me a lot recently.
This isn't a poem by the way,
I'll just end off with a quote by Vincent Valentine.
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Too much hope is the opposite of despair... an overpowering love may consume you in the end.
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
7:54 AM
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Movies, schooling and outings
Been having movie marathons recently... hahas... I already watched nearly all the new shows and I'm still waiting for more^^
It has been really fun... going out with people I don't usually spend much time with, learning more about them and being better friends^^ hahas...
I've watched Sherlock Holmes with Jerold, Jing Quan, Wei Xiong, Stephanie and Ming Yi. Princess and the frog with Yu Yan. And everything else I watched by myself^^
Been really worried about my poly friends who're having exams now just as they start school. Like Jerold who has his practical and theory in physical education(lol I know it sounds wrong), Bernice with her history and literature, Wei Xiong with his biomedical sciences and Bryan with his FYP. They're all like so stressed out and it's like all I can do is to stay out of their way and hope they'll do their best T_T. Sometimes I wish I can do more to help...
Anyway school for all my secondary school 弟弟 and 妹妹 has started, since they slacked their holidays away I'm sure they have no regrets hahas... most of them having O levels this year... guess this is the last time they can slack ba... poor kids.
Hmm... It's still hard to find time for everyone... B-man calling me constantly for bowling sessions, Kong Sheng asking to meet up with me for discipleship, Hau-ge wanting me to help out in the cafe, Daren organising K-box and so much more... sigh... what's sad is that for most of them I just don't have an interest in doing (I mean come on... Ming Yu singing karaoke?? I dun wanna wake the dead you know? hahas)
So I have no idea if I'm actually free or not... sigh... I really want to spend more time with my close friends especially before I enter NS... But I feel bad constantly intruding into their lives when they have their own stuff to do... But no matter what I'll still keep my promises^^ hahas...
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Those who love you are people who see you for who you are and no matter what,always find a way to be at your side
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
5:17 PM
Sunday, January 3, 2010
I know I said that I would list my Christmas present takings in this post, but I changed my mind. Hahas...
Well... and so we entered into a new year. Many changes will take place it'll probably be just as bad as last year. Note: I am not being pessimistic, it's just the unblemished truth.
Bad things happen year after year, but what changes is our experience on how to deal with them. What caused me grief before won't do so now because I know how to handle it based on past experiences. Am I making myself clear? hahas...
I have never placed much weight in making New Year resolutions because they usually don't come true if I don't settle them within the first two months in the year and by then, more and obligations will be placed on me which will stifle all thoughts of those resolutions.
However this year, there are indeed a few things I want to do before the year is up AKA my resolutions:
1) Learn how to play all 3 movements of Moonlight Sonata.
2) NOT to become desperate in NS and want a girlfriend(I'll only look for one when I'm prepared for marriage)
3) Try my best to fulfil and keep the promises I've made to my close friends.
4) Start serving in the media ministry in church.
5) Eat more, gain weight(it's my homework apparently, still a work in progress)
6) Not to break down when I receive my "A" level results.
7) Begin to open up to the people around me and not close off my heart.
8) Make more close friends who are guys(the majority of my best friends currently are girls)
9) Help my meimei get an A1 for her physics "O" levels by giving her tuition.
10)Finish my novel(it has been a long long long while since I last updated...)
Yup... those are my resolutions... hope I can fulfil them^^ hahas...
From now on I guess I'll be using a quote at the end of every post to illustrate my mood^^ hahas...
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Think of a positive outcome and you will achieve it. Allow doubt to enter your mind and the doubt will be self-fulfiling
Labels: random stuff
Signing off at...
8:31 PM
